To have a party or to not have a party? That is the question!

Like most people, I like parties. Parties are usually celebrations of happy occassions. The last couple days I have been thinking about having a party! I kinda want to have the party but I know it isn't a good idea so I have put it off. This party only includes one guest......me! Yes, I am talking about a pity party. A pity party is rather ridiculous and I have had many in my life. Some of the parties have guests that I have invited but most are just for me. I'm selfish that way.

You may be asking yourself "Why would she need a pity party?" That is a good question. Many other people in the world are going through far more than I am going through. I have friends and family going through harder things than I am and I admire them for their strength. But I guess sadness, rough times, grieving etc...is all relative.

I think the reason I have not actually had this party is because I am in a far better place than I have been in the past. Many of you do not know that I have had a couple "major depression" episodes in the past several years. It isn't something I have talked much about except to the people close to me, but it isn't a secret either. I don't mean the "I feel depressed" kind of depression. I mean the "who gives a "you know what" kind of depression. The one only the professionals can help you with. Depression is part genetics, part biology as well as gender, age, trauma, grief, health conditions and medications. Depression isn't talked about much even though an estimated 19 million american adults suffer from it. (The purpose of this blog was not intended to be about depression so I will save it for another entry.) But please know if you suffer from depression Do NOT hesitate to get help. As someone said to me "If you had a heart problem you would get help." Depression is no different and it can also be a matter of life and death.

Now to get back on track.....

I found this definition of pity party from the Urban Dictionary:

A way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is.
Pity parties can be just for one or for many people, such as maybe your friends and close people, who will try to comfort you or just be there for you while you keep asking yourself what did you do to deserve whatever it is that made you so sad in the first place.
Pity Parties require the proper outfit, which is usually pajamas cause you dont get all dressed up during those feeling-sorry-for-myself moments. Also you should have no make up on or just the one from the night before; hair undone as well.
It also involves tissues, comfort food such as ice cream; chocolate; potato chips; cookies; cake; and candy. Low fat food is banned
Alcohol might or might not be allowed (if alcohol makes you go wild, no alcohol should be brought to the pity party in that case since the point is not exactly to have fun). The purpose of a Pity Party is to dumpt the pity. Music is also very important at pity parties, including songs like "One is the Loneliest Number", "All by Myself" and any other song that makes you feel like throwing yourself from the nearest cliff.
Pity parties usually end after you are done whining or if someone breaks it up. This will usually be a cynical loved one who will not let you drown in self pity and will take you either to have the best time ever, drinking and partying or will just make you crawl out of bed by making you see how pathetic you look and how you should cut the whining and just do something to make things better.

Well, after reading that how could I throw such a party? I can't. At least not today!:)

Oh wait... you are probably wondering why I wanted to throw the party. Here it is:
singleness, babyless, sad that I have to "buy" my child (that doesn't sound right HA!), student loans (still), a skunk family as house guests, plantar faciitis, my eaglet family is growing up and will soon be leaving the nest for good, I don't have the money to but this fabulous rug I saw at Nebraska Furniture Mart and going through complete inspection of my life in order to adopt a child when all kinds of wrong people are popping out babies like candy. See, I do see the humor in things! :) Oh, and the fact that i am horrible at grammar.
Anyway, I will say once again how truly blessed I really am with my life. It may not turn out as I designed it but since I am not in charge I guess I need to make the best of it!
Happy 4th of July everyone!

Faith

Faith
Webster's New World Dictionary:
"Unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence"

BIBLE DEFINITION:(taken from learnthebible.org) Taking God at His word. Paul says in Romans 10:17 Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. It is full confidence in God's word. FAITH accepts God's word (His promises and His warnings) as FACT and acts accordingly. Since there are many evidences that the word of God is true, this is not a blind leap of faith. It is rather an intelligent, holy reaction to the wondrous words of God.

Faith is something I struggle with. I think everyone struggles with it from time to time. Along with faith comes trust. You got it, I struggle with that too. Trust is a big one for me on many levels. "Trust" is my word this year. I read on another blog about focusing on a word for a year. So I have been focusing on trust through different excercises(I won't go into that now).

I have such a peace about adopting! This is where faith and trust come in. I need to have faith that it truly is right. I have had this feeling before about other things and they have happened. But I am always scared to trust the feeling. Then when the positive feeling comes true I tell myself to trust the feeling next time it happens. And yet....

Does this peace mean I have no worries? I wish!! What I am going to try to do is put those positive vibes out there. Put out what I want in this adoption and have faith in God. Faith that what is in my heart is what he has placed there and it is going to happen how I feel it is going to happen. I am going to TRUST this is Him taking control(As I write this that stupid little voice is saying don't trust it. You are going to get hurt). It's a work in progress!

My first class

I had my first MAPP class tonight. It was an interesting, informational filled evening. Lots of different types of peope are taking the class. Couples, singles, younger, older, black, white, quiet, talkative. Some are looking to adopt, some to foster and some are not yet sure.

I found myself becoming emotional as I sat there and listened and participated. I wasn't really sure where the emotion was coming from or really what I was actually feeling. I think part of my emotion is that I am actually doing this and it weirdly feels so right. I have thought about this for years and never did anything about it. But then one day I just did it and I haven't looked back (yet).

The other part of my emotion is that I still wish I had gotten married and had children biologically. But as a good friend told me "We can't turn back time. We can only move forward." And that is true and I need to stop thinking, "What if?" And hopefully my knight and shining armor will still come and whisk me and my child away!

I know God has a plan. I have not always agreed with His plan for me (if indeed I am actually following it). But I know this one is going to be good! When I talk to people about what I am doing I always talk about my support system. And what a wonderful support system I have! Thank you faithful friends!

So, as I go through this process of being certified through the state and also looking independently for my child I keep praying. (I am sure that was a run-on sentence. I do not claim to be good at that stuff)I also keep hoping and wishing and asking and listening and having faith! God has my child in mind, that I am sure!

Until next time.......
PS: I was looking at baby names the other day. This is just in case I get to have a newborn. :)

random thoughts - wordle style

Reading, reading and more reading!

The internet has LOTS and LOTS of adoption stories, advice, information, blogs, pictures and much more. Some of it is inspiring and some of it is frustrating. But at the end everyone says it is worth it and you forget all about how long you waited.

I have found myself passing by the children's clothes when I am at target or Old Navy or looking on-line at baby furniture. It is so weird. I know I probably shouldn't do that yet but it is okay to look, right?

I went to a former students high school graduation party. What a sweet and talented girl. I am so glad she invited me to her party. I also had her older sister in elementary school and she was there with her newborn. I was lucky enough to be able to hold her while I was there. So sweet! Thanks Megan! :)

Earlier today I was sitting in my comfy chair and one of my furbbies was laying on the back of the chair with her head on my head. My other furbaby was laying next to me int he chair and I imagined a baby laying in my lap!AWE, what bliss! This has been a bit of a rambled blog tonight so I guess I will go. :}
I hope everyone has a good Memorial weekend! Stay safe and have FUN!

newborns

There is something so sweet about newborn babies and puppies and birds. They are so innocent and fresh and soft.
I saw a couple newborns today at the hospital when I was staying with a friend who was on the same floor. Seeing those babies brought up lots of different emotions. So excited about the thought of being a mom. But also sad about the realization that I won't have the experience of birthing a child. Seeing my baby take its first breath. I am lucky to have seen a couple of my nephews being born. It is breathtaking! It is truly a miracle of God!

As excited as I am about having my child through adoption I know I am still grieving not birthing one. As a good friend tells me "It just plain sucks" I don't need to feel bad about it when I need to grieve it.
As for my adoption process I have been registered for my PS-MAPP course. 3hr classes for 10 weeks starting June 7th. In Kansas everyone who adopts or becomes a foster parent must take this course.
I hear they focus on worse case scenarios when discussing Foster children. I think all parents should have to take this course. Unfortunately there is no way to make that happen.
Anyway, I'm so excited to begin this class. One day closer to becoming a mom.

Adoption (Just breathe)

Since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mom! My favorite thing to do was play with my baby dolls. I had boy baby dolls and girl baby dolls. Dolls that ate food and dolls that wore diapers. I also had a "toddler" baby doll. I remember in third grade I used to pretend my baby and the babysitter would come to school and watch me from the hallway while I "worked."

 I eventually moved from playing with baby dolls to babysitting and eventually working at a daycare and now a teacher. I have been around babies all my life. I love my niece and four nephews and was able to watch some of their births. It was incredible!

I have watched my friends have babies and have been blessed to be part of their lives. I have learned so much about being a mom from my friends, sisters and my own mom. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!

As I have watched all these amazing people have children I kept thinking my time was coming. I was going to find the right man for me. I was going to be blessed with children. Everyone kept telling me I had plenty of time. Then one day, no one was saying that to me anymore. My time was up (or so that is how I felt). How did I become close to 40? 40! Seriously? "Oh that's not old" people say to me. Maybe to you it isn't old because you are marrie and or have the beautiful kids you dreamed about. It is different when you're 40 and those dreams have not come true.

So enough of my story for now. But what I do want to say is I am in the early stages of the adoption process. This blog will be mostly dedicated to this process.

Why would I want to blog about this? Well, I want to share my experience because for me it is therapeutic. I am hoping others that are going though this will read this and we can share informtion and stories and advice. I also am single and so I have additional hurdles to jump.

Now that  have written a book I will close for today or I will have only on LOOOONG post.

Thanks for stopping by!