As christmas day gets closer it is harder to realize my dad is gone. If you have lost a parent, you understand the emptiness that is left in your heart. It is like no other.
It is not a secret that my dad and I did not have a good relationship, especially as he got older. He was stricken with the disease of alcoholism and it wasn't easy to deal with. But he was still my father. For my emotional health and for his I did not speak to him for many months. Then, he called me on my birthday. He wanted to get together so we could talk about what happened the last time we were together. I felt bad when I hung up the phone because I wasn't very warm towards him. He died 9 days later. I wasn't in a hurry to do go over and see him. I thought I would do it over break when I had more time. It was not to be.
Since I had a rough relationship with my dad, his death has actually made the grieving process harder. Though my sisters and I knew he wasn't going to change we always hoped something would change and our relationship would be better. It happened briefly when he had his stroke 5 years ago. He was so sweet and kind and called my sisters and me "his 3 angels."
I wish it had lasted. I wish for so many things that will never happen. It.is.hard.