Sunday, July 31, 2011

Just what I needed

I have been a little frustrated lately about this whole foster/adoption journey. I think mainly because in our classes we go over real situations children have been through and it is not pretty. It leaves you feeling like you are going to have these horrible children with horrible problems. The reality is children in state custody have been through hell. But I know not all of them are horrible. These kids need to be taken care of and loved. Children act out because that is how they show what they are feeling.

Today at church brought all that into light. I met the most precious little boys today that are in foster care. The three year old let me hold him and he was so cuddly. He had the most beautiful head of hair, thick and soft. His adorable eyes and cute cheeks. He has two older brothers and an infant sister, all in care. I want them. :) This is exactly what I needed to remind me why I want to do this. I get so caught up in all the statstics and stories it is almost like I forget about the children. God knew I needed to see these little boys.

Speaking of stories: Today I heard about a woman who has had 20 children. Yes, 20! No auto-correct here. All of them have been taken from her. She started having children at 14 (she is now 35).She's been a prostitute and on drugs and who knows what else. She's keeping foster/adoptive parents in business but come on! In this type of situation I think this person's tubes should be tied. Unlike the Duggars this person is not having kids to have a big family.

As I go through this process I will remember those precious eyes from that sweet little boy. Trying to hold on!

2 more classes and then on to the actual process. This week we will have a panel of kids and foster/adoptive parents at our class. It will be interesting. Our last class is out at a restaurant wrapping things up! Whew! Exciting and scary!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Just me and my thoughts: The tough questions

Just me and my thoughts: The tough questions

The tough questions

After every MAPP class we have homework. This is not for a grade since it is not that type of class. But I feel like it is more important than the grade. What if I don't answer it right.? As much as I know there really isn't a right or wrong answer, I feel like I will be judged on what I write. But I write what I feel anyway. Here is one for example (With these types of statements we have to give a Strength(example of what I have done to accomplish this task) or a need (what I still need to do.)):

"I have decided that I want to parent a child and that parenting is more important than giving birth." I feel fairly good about this one I (think) I have determined I want to be a parent even if he/she did not come from me. I have worked on that.

But then.....
this one says "I have decided it is more important to be the parent of someone else's child than to give birth." (pretty much the same as the first but worded differently)

There it is "someone else's child," SOMEONE else's child," SOMEONE ELSE'S child," SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD!" And then the tears flow. It is true, in reality no matter how much I love "my" child and no matter how many times he/she calls me mom and loves me as a mom, he/she has another mom out there. I love many of my friends like I love my family but in reality they are not my family even though I love them as such.

The grieving process of birthing of my own child is not over.
I have come so far in this process and it has felt so right and I am not ready to turn back. But I am angry! I am sad! I am mad! I am confused!I am devastated!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

To have a party or to not have a party? That is the question!

Like most people, I like parties. Parties are usually celebrations of happy occassions. The last couple days I have been thinking about having a party! I kinda want to have the party but I know it isn't a good idea so I have put it off. This party only includes one! Yes, I am talking about a pity party. A pity party is rather ridiculous and I have had many in my life. Some of the parties have guests that I have invited but most are just for me. I'm selfish that way.

You may be asking yourself "Why would she need a pity party?" That is a good question. Many other people in the world are going through far more than I am going through. I have friends and family going through harder things than I am and I admire them for their strength. But I guess sadness, rough times, grieving all relative.

I think the reason I have not actually had this party is because I am in a far better place than I have been in the past. Many of you do not know that I have had a couple "major depression" episodes in the past several years. It isn't something I have talked much about except to the people close to me, but it isn't a secret either. I don't mean the "I feel depressed" kind of depression. I mean the "who gives a "you know what" kind of depression. The one only the professionals can help you with. Depression is part genetics, part biology as well as gender, age, trauma, grief, health conditions and medications. Depression isn't talked about much even though an estimated 19 million american adults suffer from it. (The purpose of this blog was not intended to be about depression so I will save it for another entry.) But please know if you suffer from depression Do NOT hesitate to get help. As someone said to me "If you had a heart problem you would get help." Depression is no different and it can also be a matter of life and death.

Now to get back on track.....

I found this definition of pity party from the Urban Dictionary:

A way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is.
Pity parties can be just for one or for many people, such as maybe your friends and close people, who will try to comfort you or just be there for you while you keep asking yourself what did you do to deserve whatever it is that made you so sad in the first place.
Pity Parties require the proper outfit, which is usually pajamas cause you dont get all dressed up during those feeling-sorry-for-myself moments. Also you should have no make up on or just the one from the night before; hair undone as well.
It also involves tissues, comfort food such as ice cream; chocolate; potato chips; cookies; cake; and candy. Low fat food is banned
Alcohol might or might not be allowed (if alcohol makes you go wild, no alcohol should be brought to the pity party in that case since the point is not exactly to have fun). The purpose of a Pity Party is to dumpt the pity. Music is also very important at pity parties, including songs like "One is the Loneliest Number", "All by Myself" and any other song that makes you feel like throwing yourself from the nearest cliff.
Pity parties usually end after you are done whining or if someone breaks it up. This will usually be a cynical loved one who will not let you drown in self pity and will take you either to have the best time ever, drinking and partying or will just make you crawl out of bed by making you see how pathetic you look and how you should cut the whining and just do something to make things better.

Well, after reading that how could I throw such a party? I can't. At least not today!:)

Oh wait... you are probably wondering why I wanted to throw the party. Here it is:
singleness, babyless, sad that I have to "buy" my child (that doesn't sound right HA!), student loans (still), a skunk family as house guests, plantar faciitis, my eaglet family is growing up and will soon be leaving the nest for good, I don't have the money to but this fabulous rug I saw at Nebraska Furniture Mart and going through complete inspection of my life in order to adopt a child when all kinds of wrong people are popping out babies like candy. See, I do see the humor in things! :) Oh, and the fact that i am horrible at grammar.
Anyway, I will say once again how truly blessed I really am with my life. It may not turn out as I designed it but since I am not in charge I guess I need to make the best of it!
Happy 4th of July everyone!