Thursday, September 29, 2011

Teeter totter

This adoption journey is like a teeter totter. Every day the emotions are up and down. Today I'm sitting on the ground. I am not feeling hopeful today.!

Sunday, September 25, 2011


As you know I have been trying to decide if I want to foster before I adopt. I finally decided fostering is not for me and I think that is why it had been so hard. I was trying to convince myself that I could foster but I just couldn't talk myself into it. It is not what I am supposed to do. So when the state agency I was going to go through to foster or adopt emailed me about my decision, I told them. I mentione that I just wanted to adopt so could she put me with the adoption coordinator she had told me about. I get an email back stating that she had looked further into the adoption and that they don't have a coordinator anymore. What I needed to do was go online and if I see a kid I am interested in to push the "interest" button. The agency that has that child will contact me. Really?!

I have decided that right now I am going to focus on finding an infant through private adoption. I really feel led to go this way(even though it is the expensive way). I will head in this direction until the doors close. We will see.

I am grateful for all of the people who are keeping their eyes and ears open and spreading the word. The support has been amazing.

I want to dream about my precious one and yet I find it hard. I don't want to dream too far.

"Don't wish, don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart." an excerpt from a "Wicked" song.

But the song I need to focus on is:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

"Don't fear moving slowly forward...fear standing still." -Kathleen Harris

I have felt a bit stuck lately. My decision whether to adopt or foster and then adopt still has not happened. I met with some people from my MAPP class for dinner last week. Everyone has moved forward with choosing their state agency and have decided between just adoption and fostering.

Not me.

I think it is becasue I keep going back to wanting to adopt an infant which would be through private adoption. So, I am moving forward in that direction.

I have found an adoption attorney I am going to use. I am currently completing my scrapbook about myself that birth parents will look at to help decide a family for their child. I am also going to let the state agency I have been talking to know that I want to adopt and not foster. So I will be working towards adoption on my own and through a state agency. Hopefully God will bless me and my child with each other in the near future.

So though I feel like it is slow, at least I am moving forward. I must continue to move forward.