My first class

I had my first MAPP class tonight. It was an interesting, informational filled evening. Lots of different types of peope are taking the class. Couples, singles, younger, older, black, white, quiet, talkative. Some are looking to adopt, some to foster and some are not yet sure.

I found myself becoming emotional as I sat there and listened and participated. I wasn't really sure where the emotion was coming from or really what I was actually feeling. I think part of my emotion is that I am actually doing this and it weirdly feels so right. I have thought about this for years and never did anything about it. But then one day I just did it and I haven't looked back (yet).

The other part of my emotion is that I still wish I had gotten married and had children biologically. But as a good friend told me "We can't turn back time. We can only move forward." And that is true and I need to stop thinking, "What if?" And hopefully my knight and shining armor will still come and whisk me and my child away!

I know God has a plan. I have not always agreed with His plan for me (if indeed I am actually following it). But I know this one is going to be good! When I talk to people about what I am doing I always talk about my support system. And what a wonderful support system I have! Thank you faithful friends!

So, as I go through this process of being certified through the state and also looking independently for my child I keep praying. (I am sure that was a run-on sentence. I do not claim to be good at that stuff)I also keep hoping and wishing and asking and listening and having faith! God has my child in mind, that I am sure!

Until next time.......
PS: I was looking at baby names the other day. This is just in case I get to have a newborn. :)

random thoughts - wordle style

Reading, reading and more reading!

The internet has LOTS and LOTS of adoption stories, advice, information, blogs, pictures and much more. Some of it is inspiring and some of it is frustrating. But at the end everyone says it is worth it and you forget all about how long you waited.

I have found myself passing by the children's clothes when I am at target or Old Navy or looking on-line at baby furniture. It is so weird. I know I probably shouldn't do that yet but it is okay to look, right?

I went to a former students high school graduation party. What a sweet and talented girl. I am so glad she invited me to her party. I also had her older sister in elementary school and she was there with her newborn. I was lucky enough to be able to hold her while I was there. So sweet! Thanks Megan! :)

Earlier today I was sitting in my comfy chair and one of my furbbies was laying on the back of the chair with her head on my head. My other furbaby was laying next to me int he chair and I imagined a baby laying in my lap!AWE, what bliss! This has been a bit of a rambled blog tonight so I guess I will go. :}
I hope everyone has a good Memorial weekend! Stay safe and have FUN!

newborns

There is something so sweet about newborn babies and puppies and birds. They are so innocent and fresh and soft.
I saw a couple newborns today at the hospital when I was staying with a friend who was on the same floor. Seeing those babies brought up lots of different emotions. So excited about the thought of being a mom. But also sad about the realization that I won't have the experience of birthing a child. Seeing my baby take its first breath. I am lucky to have seen a couple of my nephews being born. It is breathtaking! It is truly a miracle of God!

As excited as I am about having my child through adoption I know I am still grieving not birthing one. As a good friend tells me "It just plain sucks" I don't need to feel bad about it when I need to grieve it.
As for my adoption process I have been registered for my PS-MAPP course. 3hr classes for 10 weeks starting June 7th. In Kansas everyone who adopts or becomes a foster parent must take this course.
I hear they focus on worse case scenarios when discussing Foster children. I think all parents should have to take this course. Unfortunately there is no way to make that happen.
Anyway, I'm so excited to begin this class. One day closer to becoming a mom.

Adoption (Just breathe)

Since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mom! My favorite thing to do was play with my baby dolls. I had boy baby dolls and girl baby dolls. Dolls that ate food and dolls that wore diapers. I also had a "toddler" baby doll. I remember in third grade I used to pretend my baby and the babysitter would come to school and watch me from the hallway while I "worked."

 I eventually moved from playing with baby dolls to babysitting and eventually working at a daycare and now a teacher. I have been around babies all my life. I love my niece and four nephews and was able to watch some of their births. It was incredible!

I have watched my friends have babies and have been blessed to be part of their lives. I have learned so much about being a mom from my friends, sisters and my own mom. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!

As I have watched all these amazing people have children I kept thinking my time was coming. I was going to find the right man for me. I was going to be blessed with children. Everyone kept telling me I had plenty of time. Then one day, no one was saying that to me anymore. My time was up (or so that is how I felt). How did I become close to 40? 40! Seriously? "Oh that's not old" people say to me. Maybe to you it isn't old because you are marrie and or have the beautiful kids you dreamed about. It is different when you're 40 and those dreams have not come true.

So enough of my story for now. But what I do want to say is I am in the early stages of the adoption process. This blog will be mostly dedicated to this process.

Why would I want to blog about this? Well, I want to share my experience because for me it is therapeutic. I am hoping others that are going though this will read this and we can share informtion and stories and advice. I also am single and so I have additional hurdles to jump.

Now that  have written a book I will close for today or I will have only on LOOOONG post.

Thanks for stopping by!

Weekly Five Countdown

I just got this idea from a blog called Bookish Penguin. She calls hers Monday Five Countdown.

Five things I'm grateful for
1. My dogs- they bring me so much joy.


2. My friends - they are there for me whenever I need them


3. Christmas is this weekend and I get to spend all of Christmas Eve at church. No better place to be.

4. That I am finished with my shopping except for one gift card.


5. That I am off work for 2 weeks


Four Things I Can't Stop Thinking About



1. The things I am going to do this week


2. Finding peace in my life.

3. Organizing my "things" and getting rid of a lot of "things"

4. Marriage and babies


Three Things I Want To Accomplish This Week



1. Finishing my shopping



2. Clean


3. relax


Two Things I Am Working To Be Positive About



1. My family dynamics


2. My self


One Random Thing



1.
My garage door is driving me crazy. It will not stay down. I must call my landlord.









Read more: http://www.bookishpenguin.com/blog/2010/11/15/monday-five-countdown-now-with-participation.html#ixzz18oDx4yHB

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One of these days

One day I hope to find peace with myself and my life. I hope to love me for me. The Tim McGraw lyrics say it all.

Now everybody stands up


The congregation sings

It's a song of sweet forgiveness

And as the chorus rings

The wind blows clear my memory

The pages start to turn

And suddenly I'm singing

The moment that I learn



One of these days I'm gonna love me

And feel the joy of sweet release

One of these days I'll rise above me

And at last I'll find some peace

And then I'm gonna smile a little

And maybe even laugh a little

But one of these days...

I'm gonna love me