My dad

As christmas day gets closer it is harder to realize my dad is gone. If you have lost a parent, you understand the emptiness that is left in your heart. It is like no other.

It is not a secret that my dad and I did not have a good relationship, especially as he got older. He was stricken with the disease of alcoholism and it wasn't easy to deal with. But he was still my father. For my emotional health and for his I did not speak to him for many months. Then, he called me on my birthday. He wanted to get together so we could talk about what happened the last time we were together. I felt bad when I hung up the phone because I wasn't very warm towards him. He died 9 days later. I wasn't in a hurry to do go over and see him. I thought I would do it over break when I had more time. It was not to be.

Since I had a rough relationship with my dad, his death has actually made the grieving process harder. Though my sisters and I knew he wasn't going to change we always hoped something would change and our relationship would be better. It happened briefly when he had his stroke 5 years ago. He was so sweet and kind and called my sisters and me "his 3 angels."
I wish it had lasted. I wish for so many things that will never happen. It.is.hard.

Teeter totter

This adoption journey is like a teeter totter. Every day the emotions are up and down. Today I'm sitting on the ground. I am not feeling hopeful today.!

Decision

As you know I have been trying to decide if I want to foster before I adopt. I finally decided fostering is not for me and I think that is why it had been so hard. I was trying to convince myself that I could foster but I just couldn't talk myself into it. It is not what I am supposed to do. So when the state agency I was going to go through to foster or adopt emailed me about my decision, I told them. I mentione that I just wanted to adopt so could she put me with the adoption coordinator she had told me about. I get an email back stating that she had looked further into the adoption and that they don't have a coordinator anymore. What I needed to do was go online and if I see a kid I am interested in to push the "interest" button. The agency that has that child will contact me. Really?!

I have decided that right now I am going to focus on finding an infant through private adoption. I really feel led to go this way(even though it is the expensive way). I will head in this direction until the doors close. We will see.

I am grateful for all of the people who are keeping their eyes and ears open and spreading the word. The support has been amazing.

I want to dream about my precious one and yet I find it hard. I don't want to dream too far.

"Don't wish, don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart." an excerpt from a "Wicked" song.

But the song I need to focus on is:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!

"Don't fear moving slowly forward...fear standing still." -Kathleen Harris

I have felt a bit stuck lately. My decision whether to adopt or foster and then adopt still has not happened. I met with some people from my MAPP class for dinner last week. Everyone has moved forward with choosing their state agency and have decided between just adoption and fostering.

Not me.

I think it is becasue I keep going back to wanting to adopt an infant which would be through private adoption. So, I am moving forward in that direction.

I have found an adoption attorney I am going to use. I am currently completing my scrapbook about myself that birth parents will look at to help decide a family for their child. I am also going to let the state agency I have been talking to know that I want to adopt and not foster. So I will be working towards adoption on my own and through a state agency. Hopefully God will bless me and my child with each other in the near future.

So though I feel like it is slow, at least I am moving forward. I must continue to move forward.

Back to school

Not too much news to share. Getting ready to start week #2 of the school year! Last week was crazy busy. Still busy this week but more my regular routine.

I haven't done much about my adoption process since the class ended almost 2 weeks ago. With the start of school I have been too busy to meet with anyone. I am hoping to do that this week. I though I had a state agency picked but I decided to check out a couple different ones to find the right fit. Once I get an agency picked things will continue to move forward.

That's it for now!

Another step closer

Today I found out from the agency I am working with that I have been assigned a caseworker. I don't know who it is but supposedly she will be contacting me soon (soon to her and soon to me may be different). My caseworker and I will be working closely together to match me with "my children."

But I still have things to do:
CPR/ First Aid - signed up
TB test
physical
fingerprinting/background check
pets need to be updated on all shots. Of course they just came due.
car inspection (really!?)
Licensing Walk through aka Home study.

Exciting!!!!

The clouds have returned

We had a great class tonight. Some adoptive parents came and talked to the class and we got to meet their kids as well. It was awesome to see "real" kids.
The lack of clarity comes in the foster or adopt? My ultimate goal is to adopt. Tonight in our class our teachers mentioned if our goal is to adopt then don't foster. Most kids go back home. I think that is great as long as their home is a good place for them. They have never really said that until tonight. UGH!!!

Just what I needed

I have been a little frustrated lately about this whole foster/adoption journey. I think mainly because in our classes we go over real situations children have been through and it is not pretty. It leaves you feeling like you are going to have these horrible children with horrible problems. The reality is children in state custody have been through hell. But I know not all of them are horrible. These kids need to be taken care of and loved. Children act out because that is how they show what they are feeling.

Today at church brought all that into light. I met the most precious little boys today that are in foster care. The three year old let me hold him and he was so cuddly. He had the most beautiful head of hair, thick and soft. His adorable eyes and cute cheeks. He has two older brothers and an infant sister, all in care. I want them. :) This is exactly what I needed to remind me why I want to do this. I get so caught up in all the statstics and stories it is almost like I forget about the children. God knew I needed to see these little boys.

Speaking of stories: Today I heard about a woman who has had 20 children. Yes, 20! No auto-correct here. All of them have been taken from her. She started having children at 14 (she is now 35).She's been a prostitute and on drugs and who knows what else. She's keeping foster/adoptive parents in business but come on! In this type of situation I think this person's tubes should be tied. Unlike the Duggars this person is not having kids to have a big family.

As I go through this process I will remember those precious eyes from that sweet little boy. Trying to hold on!

2 more classes and then on to the actual process. This week we will have a panel of kids and foster/adoptive parents at our class. It will be interesting. Our last class is out at a restaurant wrapping things up! Whew! Exciting and scary!

Just me and my thoughts: The tough questions

Just me and my thoughts: The tough questions

The tough questions

After every MAPP class we have homework. This is not for a grade since it is not that type of class. But I feel like it is more important than the grade. What if I don't answer it right.? As much as I know there really isn't a right or wrong answer, I feel like I will be judged on what I write. But I write what I feel anyway. Here is one for example (With these types of statements we have to give a Strength(example of what I have done to accomplish this task) or a need (what I still need to do.)):

"I have decided that I want to parent a child and that parenting is more important than giving birth." I feel fairly good about this one I (think) I have determined I want to be a parent even if he/she did not come from me. I have worked on that.

But then.....
this one says "I have decided it is more important to be the parent of someone else's child than to give birth." (pretty much the same as the first but worded differently)

There it is "someone else's child," SOMEONE else's child," SOMEONE ELSE'S child," SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD!" And then the tears flow. It is true, in reality no matter how much I love "my" child and no matter how many times he/she calls me mom and loves me as a mom, he/she has another mom out there. I love many of my friends like I love my family but in reality they are not my family even though I love them as such.

The grieving process of birthing of my own child is not over.
I have come so far in this process and it has felt so right and I am not ready to turn back. But I am angry! I am sad! I am mad! I am confused!I am devastated!

To have a party or to not have a party? That is the question!

Like most people, I like parties. Parties are usually celebrations of happy occassions. The last couple days I have been thinking about having a party! I kinda want to have the party but I know it isn't a good idea so I have put it off. This party only includes one guest......me! Yes, I am talking about a pity party. A pity party is rather ridiculous and I have had many in my life. Some of the parties have guests that I have invited but most are just for me. I'm selfish that way.

You may be asking yourself "Why would she need a pity party?" That is a good question. Many other people in the world are going through far more than I am going through. I have friends and family going through harder things than I am and I admire them for their strength. But I guess sadness, rough times, grieving etc...is all relative.

I think the reason I have not actually had this party is because I am in a far better place than I have been in the past. Many of you do not know that I have had a couple "major depression" episodes in the past several years. It isn't something I have talked much about except to the people close to me, but it isn't a secret either. I don't mean the "I feel depressed" kind of depression. I mean the "who gives a "you know what" kind of depression. The one only the professionals can help you with. Depression is part genetics, part biology as well as gender, age, trauma, grief, health conditions and medications. Depression isn't talked about much even though an estimated 19 million american adults suffer from it. (The purpose of this blog was not intended to be about depression so I will save it for another entry.) But please know if you suffer from depression Do NOT hesitate to get help. As someone said to me "If you had a heart problem you would get help." Depression is no different and it can also be a matter of life and death.

Now to get back on track.....

I found this definition of pity party from the Urban Dictionary:

A way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is.
Pity parties can be just for one or for many people, such as maybe your friends and close people, who will try to comfort you or just be there for you while you keep asking yourself what did you do to deserve whatever it is that made you so sad in the first place.
Pity Parties require the proper outfit, which is usually pajamas cause you dont get all dressed up during those feeling-sorry-for-myself moments. Also you should have no make up on or just the one from the night before; hair undone as well.
It also involves tissues, comfort food such as ice cream; chocolate; potato chips; cookies; cake; and candy. Low fat food is banned
Alcohol might or might not be allowed (if alcohol makes you go wild, no alcohol should be brought to the pity party in that case since the point is not exactly to have fun). The purpose of a Pity Party is to dumpt the pity. Music is also very important at pity parties, including songs like "One is the Loneliest Number", "All by Myself" and any other song that makes you feel like throwing yourself from the nearest cliff.
Pity parties usually end after you are done whining or if someone breaks it up. This will usually be a cynical loved one who will not let you drown in self pity and will take you either to have the best time ever, drinking and partying or will just make you crawl out of bed by making you see how pathetic you look and how you should cut the whining and just do something to make things better.

Well, after reading that how could I throw such a party? I can't. At least not today!:)

Oh wait... you are probably wondering why I wanted to throw the party. Here it is:
singleness, babyless, sad that I have to "buy" my child (that doesn't sound right HA!), student loans (still), a skunk family as house guests, plantar faciitis, my eaglet family is growing up and will soon be leaving the nest for good, I don't have the money to but this fabulous rug I saw at Nebraska Furniture Mart and going through complete inspection of my life in order to adopt a child when all kinds of wrong people are popping out babies like candy. See, I do see the humor in things! :) Oh, and the fact that i am horrible at grammar.
Anyway, I will say once again how truly blessed I really am with my life. It may not turn out as I designed it but since I am not in charge I guess I need to make the best of it!
Happy 4th of July everyone!

Faith

Faith
Webster's New World Dictionary:
"Unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence"

BIBLE DEFINITION:(taken from learnthebible.org) Taking God at His word. Paul says in Romans 10:17 Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. It is full confidence in God's word. FAITH accepts God's word (His promises and His warnings) as FACT and acts accordingly. Since there are many evidences that the word of God is true, this is not a blind leap of faith. It is rather an intelligent, holy reaction to the wondrous words of God.

Faith is something I struggle with. I think everyone struggles with it from time to time. Along with faith comes trust. You got it, I struggle with that too. Trust is a big one for me on many levels. "Trust" is my word this year. I read on another blog about focusing on a word for a year. So I have been focusing on trust through different excercises(I won't go into that now).

I have such a peace about adopting! This is where faith and trust come in. I need to have faith that it truly is right. I have had this feeling before about other things and they have happened. But I am always scared to trust the feeling. Then when the positive feeling comes true I tell myself to trust the feeling next time it happens. And yet....

Does this peace mean I have no worries? I wish!! What I am going to try to do is put those positive vibes out there. Put out what I want in this adoption and have faith in God. Faith that what is in my heart is what he has placed there and it is going to happen how I feel it is going to happen. I am going to TRUST this is Him taking control(As I write this that stupid little voice is saying don't trust it. You are going to get hurt). It's a work in progress!

My first class

I had my first MAPP class tonight. It was an interesting, informational filled evening. Lots of different types of peope are taking the class. Couples, singles, younger, older, black, white, quiet, talkative. Some are looking to adopt, some to foster and some are not yet sure.

I found myself becoming emotional as I sat there and listened and participated. I wasn't really sure where the emotion was coming from or really what I was actually feeling. I think part of my emotion is that I am actually doing this and it weirdly feels so right. I have thought about this for years and never did anything about it. But then one day I just did it and I haven't looked back (yet).

The other part of my emotion is that I still wish I had gotten married and had children biologically. But as a good friend told me "We can't turn back time. We can only move forward." And that is true and I need to stop thinking, "What if?" And hopefully my knight and shining armor will still come and whisk me and my child away!

I know God has a plan. I have not always agreed with His plan for me (if indeed I am actually following it). But I know this one is going to be good! When I talk to people about what I am doing I always talk about my support system. And what a wonderful support system I have! Thank you faithful friends!

So, as I go through this process of being certified through the state and also looking independently for my child I keep praying. (I am sure that was a run-on sentence. I do not claim to be good at that stuff)I also keep hoping and wishing and asking and listening and having faith! God has my child in mind, that I am sure!

Until next time.......
PS: I was looking at baby names the other day. This is just in case I get to have a newborn. :)

random thoughts - wordle style

Reading, reading and more reading!

The internet has LOTS and LOTS of adoption stories, advice, information, blogs, pictures and much more. Some of it is inspiring and some of it is frustrating. But at the end everyone says it is worth it and you forget all about how long you waited.

I have found myself passing by the children's clothes when I am at target or Old Navy or looking on-line at baby furniture. It is so weird. I know I probably shouldn't do that yet but it is okay to look, right?

I went to a former students high school graduation party. What a sweet and talented girl. I am so glad she invited me to her party. I also had her older sister in elementary school and she was there with her newborn. I was lucky enough to be able to hold her while I was there. So sweet! Thanks Megan! :)

Earlier today I was sitting in my comfy chair and one of my furbbies was laying on the back of the chair with her head on my head. My other furbaby was laying next to me int he chair and I imagined a baby laying in my lap!AWE, what bliss! This has been a bit of a rambled blog tonight so I guess I will go. :}
I hope everyone has a good Memorial weekend! Stay safe and have FUN!

newborns

There is something so sweet about newborn babies and puppies and birds. They are so innocent and fresh and soft.
I saw a couple newborns today at the hospital when I was staying with a friend who was on the same floor. Seeing those babies brought up lots of different emotions. So excited about the thought of being a mom. But also sad about the realization that I won't have the experience of birthing a child. Seeing my baby take its first breath. I am lucky to have seen a couple of my nephews being born. It is breathtaking! It is truly a miracle of God!

As excited as I am about having my child through adoption I know I am still grieving not birthing one. As a good friend tells me "It just plain sucks" I don't need to feel bad about it when I need to grieve it.
As for my adoption process I have been registered for my PS-MAPP course. 3hr classes for 10 weeks starting June 7th. In Kansas everyone who adopts or becomes a foster parent must take this course.
I hear they focus on worse case scenarios when discussing Foster children. I think all parents should have to take this course. Unfortunately there is no way to make that happen.
Anyway, I'm so excited to begin this class. One day closer to becoming a mom.

Adoption (Just breathe)

Since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mom! My favorite thing to do was play with my baby dolls. I had boy baby dolls and girl baby dolls. Dolls that ate food and dolls that wore diapers. I also had a "toddler" baby doll. I remember in third grade I used to pretend my baby and the babysitter would come to school and watch me from the hallway while I "worked."

 I eventually moved from playing with baby dolls to babysitting and eventually working at a daycare and now a teacher. I have been around babies all my life. I love my niece and four nephews and was able to watch some of their births. It was incredible!

I have watched my friends have babies and have been blessed to be part of their lives. I have learned so much about being a mom from my friends, sisters and my own mom. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!

As I have watched all these amazing people have children I kept thinking my time was coming. I was going to find the right man for me. I was going to be blessed with children. Everyone kept telling me I had plenty of time. Then one day, no one was saying that to me anymore. My time was up (or so that is how I felt). How did I become close to 40? 40! Seriously? "Oh that's not old" people say to me. Maybe to you it isn't old because you are marrie and or have the beautiful kids you dreamed about. It is different when you're 40 and those dreams have not come true.

So enough of my story for now. But what I do want to say is I am in the early stages of the adoption process. This blog will be mostly dedicated to this process.

Why would I want to blog about this? Well, I want to share my experience because for me it is therapeutic. I am hoping others that are going though this will read this and we can share informtion and stories and advice. I also am single and so I have additional hurdles to jump.

Now that  have written a book I will close for today or I will have only on LOOOONG post.

Thanks for stopping by!