Love Wins

**Warning!*** Long, post!! You may want to grab a cup of coffee or a stiff drink!

Authentic: representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.



When asked to choose a word to describe as my motto for the year at my work place, I chose authentic. I have always prided myself on being authentic, an open book if you will. But this huge thing that I discovered about myself a couple years ago scared me a bit. You see, I fell in love. For the first time in my life, at the age of 44, I discovered what being in love truly meant. The problem was that I fell in love with..... a woman! Whaaaat? (gasp) I know, that’s what I said! Let me tell you, it was a journey of self discovery. There was laughter and joy and giddiness and tears and many, many, many sessions with my therapist, God love her! It was something I couldn’t even tell the people closest to me and boy was that hard. But as I became more comfortable in my new found self I became more comfortable with other people knowing. The time with my first love didn’t last but I will forever be grateful for that time together. The discovery with that person led me to the amazing person I will spend the rest of my life with. But we will get to that later!

I have to say, when I first told the people closest to me, I cried every. single. time. And guess what?  The people I told at the beginning cried too. They cried. They cried tears of joy. 95% of the people I told were immediately happy for me. No judgment, no questions, just love and support. What I heard over and over again is "You are Teresa, why would we not still love and support you." Why was I ever frightened? I have surrounded myself with the most wonderful people this world has to offer! Of course they are going to love me no matter what.

I'm still the same crazy kid who annoyed my sisters, played with baby dolls, played softball in grade school (and I didn't know? haha, just kidding), played volleyball, was a band and choir nerd (still am) through out school. I am the same adult who loves to sing, spend time with family and friends, who loves Wicked and my dogs and could live on the beach. I am the same sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, teacher, niece, Christian, and friend. I still love fiercely, laugh a little too loud, cry a little too hard and worry a little too much. I am still me. Well, maybe a better version of me.

So now to the love of my life! In less than 4 months I will be marrying Christi! An amazing woman who has a huge heart, loves dogs, saves the tiniest of insects (even if they are mosquitos in Brazil drowning in a pool), saves me from spiders; by taking them outside and not killing them (I would prefer the killing). She loves to read (if you ever need a book, come on over to her library), coach, hike, camp, kayak and watch SUV (its actually SVU but she cutely calls it SUV).  She loves her sister, nieces, brother-in-law her parents, her friends and Jesus fiercely.

I fell in love with a persons soul, Christi's soul. I found a love that is everlasting. What a beautiful thing to have someone love me the way I deserve and makes me so happy! I deserve to experience love fully, equally and without shame and without compromise.

If you still want to be my friend, that is awesome! I still want you all in my life. If not, I won't be mad, but probably a little sad. However, I won't hold it against you. We are who we are, we are all doing the best we can in this life and that is all we can ask of each other.

I read the following somewhere, unfortunately I don't remember where or who wrote it. But I like it and think it pertains to anyone: Remember your road, my dear friend.
Respect it.
Honor it.
Don’t apologize for it.

You know who you are.
You love who you are.
Take pride in who you are.
You are so very worth this.

Teresa

I decided that the single most subversive, revolutionary thing I could do was to show up for my life and not be ashamed.~ Anne Lamott

What a difference a year makes

As I was reading through some pasts posts, much has changed. In September I wrote how I had decided being a foster parent was not for me and I was going to focus on adopting. As of a couple months ago it is now the opposite. I have decided to be a foster mom for children ages 4 -18. What a big change this will be in my life. I am very excited as well as a little scared. I am excited to begin a new journey where I can help children who need to know they are important, loved, strong, and worth it. I am scared of the big change in my life, caring about these kids and letting them go and being able to handle tough decisions. I am lucky I have a big support group. So far I feel comfortable with the agency I am working with and feel they will also be a big help to me and the children in my care. Here is to new beginnings and adventures ahead.

My dad

As christmas day gets closer it is harder to realize my dad is gone. If you have lost a parent, you understand the emptiness that is left in your heart. It is like no other.

It is not a secret that my dad and I did not have a good relationship, especially as he got older. He was stricken with the disease of alcoholism and it wasn't easy to deal with. But he was still my father. For my emotional health and for his I did not speak to him for many months. Then, he called me on my birthday. He wanted to get together so we could talk about what happened the last time we were together. I felt bad when I hung up the phone because I wasn't very warm towards him. He died 9 days later. I wasn't in a hurry to do go over and see him. I thought I would do it over break when I had more time. It was not to be.

Since I had a rough relationship with my dad, his death has actually made the grieving process harder. Though my sisters and I knew he wasn't going to change we always hoped something would change and our relationship would be better. It happened briefly when he had his stroke 5 years ago. He was so sweet and kind and called my sisters and me "his 3 angels."
I wish it had lasted. I wish for so many things that will never happen. It.is.hard.

Teeter totter

This adoption journey is like a teeter totter. Every day the emotions are up and down. Today I'm sitting on the ground. I am not feeling hopeful today.!

Decision

As you know I have been trying to decide if I want to foster before I adopt. I finally decided fostering is not for me and I think that is why it had been so hard. I was trying to convince myself that I could foster but I just couldn't talk myself into it. It is not what I am supposed to do. So when the state agency I was going to go through to foster or adopt emailed me about my decision, I told them. I mentione that I just wanted to adopt so could she put me with the adoption coordinator she had told me about. I get an email back stating that she had looked further into the adoption and that they don't have a coordinator anymore. What I needed to do was go online and if I see a kid I am interested in to push the "interest" button. The agency that has that child will contact me. Really?!

I have decided that right now I am going to focus on finding an infant through private adoption. I really feel led to go this way(even though it is the expensive way). I will head in this direction until the doors close. We will see.

I am grateful for all of the people who are keeping their eyes and ears open and spreading the word. The support has been amazing.

I want to dream about my precious one and yet I find it hard. I don't want to dream too far.

"Don't wish, don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart." an excerpt from a "Wicked" song.

But the song I need to focus on is:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!

"Don't fear moving slowly forward...fear standing still." -Kathleen Harris

I have felt a bit stuck lately. My decision whether to adopt or foster and then adopt still has not happened. I met with some people from my MAPP class for dinner last week. Everyone has moved forward with choosing their state agency and have decided between just adoption and fostering.

Not me.

I think it is becasue I keep going back to wanting to adopt an infant which would be through private adoption. So, I am moving forward in that direction.

I have found an adoption attorney I am going to use. I am currently completing my scrapbook about myself that birth parents will look at to help decide a family for their child. I am also going to let the state agency I have been talking to know that I want to adopt and not foster. So I will be working towards adoption on my own and through a state agency. Hopefully God will bless me and my child with each other in the near future.

So though I feel like it is slow, at least I am moving forward. I must continue to move forward.

Back to school

Not too much news to share. Getting ready to start week #2 of the school year! Last week was crazy busy. Still busy this week but more my regular routine.

I haven't done much about my adoption process since the class ended almost 2 weeks ago. With the start of school I have been too busy to meet with anyone. I am hoping to do that this week. I though I had a state agency picked but I decided to check out a couple different ones to find the right fit. Once I get an agency picked things will continue to move forward.

That's it for now!